Published January 27, 2008
Hey just a short piece I wrote, any criticism welcome and hope you enjoy.
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He found her in flat 17. Its door lay open and her soft, pattering weep could be heard escaping a room from within. He entered. The room had been on fire once. Carbon spewed up the walls and no carpet left, only burnt wood. Black soot everywhere, lying thick like butter on every surface and edge. The window had been removed and despite being several floors up no wind blew through the hole in the wall.
He peeked around the door frame into what was once a bedroom and looked at her. She was petite yet still gaunt, haunted. Tears streamed down each cheek. She wore her dirty blonde hair shoulder-length and only had on a small black or blackened blouse and ripped trousers. She wore no shoes or socks and her feet too were blackened with soot and debris. She was so ghostly that he almost had to step out again but his nerve held.
He ventured in and walked until he was just a couple feet from where she lay against the far wall. She still had not seemed to notice his presence and now feeling quite foolish, he tried stepping back a few steps. He could make out mascara weaving down her face and then disappearing under her trembling chin.
“What’s wrong” he whispered just louder than her sobs.
She made no indication she had heard him. But as he opened his mouth to repeat the question, she lifted a delicate, black finger and pointed to the wall behind him. He turned to look but could see nothing. There was just shadow, but from there he faintly began to make out the shape of a large box, a wardrobe. Or that’s what it looked like.
He walked to it and sure enough it was a charred wardrobe. He was amazed it had survived the fire. It too was covered in soot but the structure was remarkably undamaged.
He touched the handle and she let out another whimper, her hand now outstretched and grasping at an invisible something in front of her. She began to grow louder. He tried to turn the handle and she screamed. It was so stiff that it did not appear to open. He heaved and tugged and she continued balling and wailing. Then with one last monumental pull, it was flung open. He was thrown backwards and landed on his hands facing the wardrobe.
There was nothing in that wardrobe anymore. An outline where the wood had been protected by young, tender flesh was all that remained. A silhouette of a child, hiding from the flames, crouched and curled in the bottom. The back board tainted by the healthy beige wood.
“My baby!” she screamed.
He turned to look at her but she was gone, leaving him alone with the outline of the dead child.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Wow, this was a truly haunting story. I actually had to pause for a moment, collect my thoughts and get back to the review. You have created something disturbing that is strong enough to hold your reader's attention. I wanted to stop reading and find out what happened at the same time. It was a conflicting feeling that made me feel more invested in the story. Every second seemed like a journey into something deeper and darker and I loved the delicacy with which you have maintained that feeling.
I think what made this story truly disturbing is your vivid descriptions. You paint such a real image in front of our eyes, that we have no option but to imagine the horrific picture presented to us. Your descriptions are dark and somber, and they set the mood of the story from the very beginning, leaving no doubt in the minds of the readers about the content they are going to read next. I knew something bad had happened before I had even entered into the actual content of the story and afterwards it was a journey of holding my breath and expecting the absolute worst.
A few specifics:
This comparison felt a little strange to me and the image was a little difficult to imagine. We don't usually associate black soot with with butter and so you can understand why this description did not sit well here.
I liked the way you alternated between long and shorter sentences in the beginning. It created an interesting rhythm and made it easier to read.
I thought the ending was rather ambiguous. On one hand, it is very much possible that the baby died in the fire accidentally. But then again, it was said that the fire happened "once", suggesting it was in the past. And also, if the death of the baby had been an accident, the mother would not have run away like that , abandoning her dead baby in the process. I think it is open for interpretation and that is what makes the story all the more interesting for me.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
This is an extremely haunting story. The paragraph flow is interesting, and it kept me hanging till the end without ever losing my interest. It was also so descriptive, almost to the point of making me shudder as you described the wood of the bureau. Very well done.
Okay, as for the writing-structure and such, I have few comments. For one thing, I lost my place once or twice because the paragraphs were not clearly defined and a bit hard to follow. I suggest adding tabs or putting spaces between paragraphs to make it easier to read.
Grammar: There were a few minor mistakes in grammar. Small things, really.
Perhaps add a comma here, or change some wording to make it flow better.
This sentence is a bit awkward, and the tense is off. Saying "She still did not seem to notice his prescense, and now..." might help.
The rules of dialogue are off. Add a question mark.
There are a few other things along the same lines. Your tense changes a bit here and there.
This story was very good and now, rereading it, I'm about to cry. When a story holds you like that, it is incredible. Thank you for putting it up.
HMMM. Interesting.
I thought that it was good.
I didn't know if you were saying that the girl was a ghost or not.
Who are you???
I think it has GREAT potiental but right now it is i very vague.
I still thought it was good.